Wild West School Street

Let's paint the picture first of West School Street...

Location: Centerville, Indiana...September 2010
Description: On the far west side of Centerville. Approximate average age is about 77. About the most quiet block in America. During "rush hour" about 3 cars drive past my house. At night you can hear a mouse burp from 100 yards away. I've been living on this block since I was 8 and cannot remember a single crime happening.

On a typical non work night around 1am, you can't find me sitting on the couch either watching television or surfing the net. It was a really warm, breezy night so I left the front door semi open. This is rare. Out of nowhere I hear commotion outside. I think nothing of it and keep reading. Again, I hear commotion. I get off the couch and peer outside and I see a woman standing in the middle of the street, walking away from my house with a phone in her hand. This is very strange but I forget about it and sit back down. About 5 minutes go by before I hear "HEY!" I look out the front door and sure enough this mystery person is staring through my door yelling for me!

As I walk out to the street, I notice it is the woman down the street. This woman is about 50 years old, has worn a probation ankle bracelet for about 10 years now and lives with her elderly parents. She proceeds to tell me she caught people attempting to steal gas from my truck. This is the exact conversation that ensued...

Woman: They were trying to steal your gas, I saw them with my own eyes!!! Don't worry baby, I called the law and they are lookin' for em!
Me: Which way did they go? I'll go look too!
Woman: (points East)
Me: Ok thanks I’ll be back!
Woman: (walking away shaking her finger in the air) I SEE EVVVVERYTHING BABY, EVVERYYTHING, this woman’s always up!!

At this point, I am pissed! There had been some young kids going around stealing stuff from sheds, so I had good reason to believe her. I then go and wake my mother up, tell her whats going on and of course my mother wants to ride with (if you knew my mother, you'd understand). As we drive past the woman’s house she points in the direction they supposedly ran and away we go. Nothing. Pure nothingness. So we circle around the block and come back to her house. In the mean time, we couldn't help but wonder if she realized she ran about 50 yards away from her house (remember the ankle bracelet?). At this point, as we pull up, she was still outside and was watering her front porch with a garden hose. Never mind that it is 1am, she also has no plants. Her mother begins yelling from a window "Get in the damn house Cindy!!!" She then runs out to our truck and begins pointing to the top of this very large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard yelling "there they are!" Um, maam, what? I mean, we looked, but basically out of pure curiosity. I respond "um, maam, there is no one in that tree..." She responds "are you f*cking blind? They are all right there!" She then points down the block and begins telling us that the cops are apprehending the suspects and that "at least 20" of them are hiding in the lawn and the stupid cops can't see them. We looked into said yard and we actually did see something. I turn my truck lights to this object and...It’s a flower pot.

This is when my Mom and I burst out laughing, say goodnight and head home. My Mom says "don't tell Dad about this" and I agree. This woman was obviously on something that night. About a month later we see our police officer friend and my Mom asks him about the woman. Turns out, she actually did "call the law" that night. When the officer arrived, she began yelling at the officer proclaiming that the thief was literally standing right next to him and he needs to open his damn eyes. Turns out, this woman’s sister is (was...she actually just died last week) crazy too. Apparently she calls the police about 4 days a week because of severe paranoia. She had at least 10 locks on her door because she believed that her "pervert neighbor" was infiltrating her house through the pipes and played soft Christmas music through her chimney, just to annoy her.

Readers, I hope you have learned two things from this little story.

1) Drugs are bad
2) Drugs are bad