The one who got away...

This was the weirdest night of my life. There is no other explanation. This story is pretty legendary amongst my friends at IU.

The time is 2009, spring semester. I had just moved back to town. Most of my friends had moved away, except my good friend Deek. We “scum-bagged” on the weekends like it was our job. For the ill-informed, scum-bagging is when you go out with the intention of meeting the female gender. On this night, I kid you not it was probably negative five degrees out and windy. It was Miserable. A few weeks before this my friend Brandon told me about a sweet concoction called Steel Reserve. The alcohol content is amazing. So, I grab a six pack of 16oz cans and head to Deek’s apartment. I pound out about 5 out of the 6 and we head to the bars. It was a Monday I believe, so we hit up “Upstairs”, which is a fun little dive bar, equipped with female underwear hanging from every nook and cranny (literally). We head to the bar and hey, there is a cute blonde sitting alone. I decide in my drunken state that I am going to talk to her. She orders two drinks and the bartender sits them down, but she isn’t paying attention. So, I grab one of the drinks, look her in the eye and say “hey, you are cute so I bought you a drink!” She then looks and notices one of her drinks is missing and says “um, I just bought those…” To my amazement, she said it with a smile. She knew it was a terrible, pathetic line but she realized the comedic approach. We end up talking for a good half hour and Deek had already wandered off and was talking with some other people. We are deep in conversation, enjoying each other’s company when out of nowhere a male comes, whispers in her ear and stares at me. Who cares, right? About this time, I spot my dear friend Sharia who is also really drunk. She proceeds to tell me she can’t finish her drink. I can’t remember the name of it, but it’s a very popular drink on campus and it is basically death in a can. I drink it within 10 minutes.

At this point I notice Deek is missing, so I excuse myself from the bar. He is nowhere. At this point the girl walks over and tells me that the male who apparently had a problem with me, was her ex. Who cares when you are scum-bagging. I attempt to go outside and find Deek and as I open the door, it gets kicked back into my face. It’s her ex. I was pissed. I throw the door back open and walk outside to confront him…and his 2 friends. Things escalate quickly and before you know it I am fighting three guys. After it’s over, I realize I am unscathed but cannot find my keys. I freak out. This is where it gets shady…

At the bottom of the stairs, a very nice African American man asks if I am ok and need help. I tell him my issue and that I can’t find Deek. He replies “ohhh Deek, I am really good friends with him, do you need a ride?” Sure, of course! He then asks if he can buy me Taco Bell. Holy shit, this guy is great! So we head to Taco Bell, which is in the opposite direction of Deek’s apartment, but who cares I am starving. We order, and then he says “Hey, I live a block away, want to just eat there?” It’s Deek’s friend, so why not. We walk into his apartment and I can’t help but think “man, this is decorated like an 80 year old woman’s house.” Then, I notice this man is actually somewhat feminine and homosexual. I have no problem with homosexuality, so whatever I say. He asks if I want a coke, goes into the kitchen and brings me an opened coke. I got a ride, Taco Bell and this guy opens my coke! Is this man a saint? Within 10 minutes of taking my first drink, everything starts spinning and I am insanely inebriated. He then asks me if I like porn. What the hell, but I say “what guy doesn’t?” Before you know it he is turning on pornography and it is a black man and a white girl. He then says “how do you feel about black on white sex?” Ok, now I am creeped out and getting angry. Unfortunately for me, I am about 5 miles from my apartment and it’s a blizzard out. This fella is straight up hitting on me now and I can’t help but want to punch him. I decide to just fall asleep and pray for the best.

Finally, I wake up around 9 in the morning and he’s in the kitchen cooking eggs, in his underwear. I yell “dude, can you get dressed, please?” He does, thank god. At this time I can’t help but think “I guess I have to tell my friends now that I officially went home with a gay man after a night or drinking.” I laugh to myself, still creeped out and ask him to take me home. He agrees and we hop in the car. Away we go, finally. For some reason, I think it was my haircut; he keeps referring to me as Marine. He is desperate at this point and even asks me if I would be willing to live by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that the military has. He then tells me he’s turned two Navy guys gay (sorry Navy readers). Then, he drops the bomb. This bomb actually made me question everything in life.

He tells me he is about to graduate with his PHD in higher education administration (something like that). He’s about to take a big position with the University of Oklahoma. He tells me he’s going to be a very wealthy man and says the following: “Look Marine,If you would be willing to be my boyfriend and move to Oklahoma with me, I will make sure you never have to work another day in your life, you will have anything you want and we never have to have sex. And, you can even have girlfriends…” At the time, I said no thank you as we pulled up, said thank you for the ride and parted ways.

I’m not gay in any way, I love women. But about two hours later, after I told Deek and he informed me he did not know this man in any way, I began to think. Wait, NEVER work again in my life? NEVER have sex with you? I can even have girlfriends and spend your money to take them out? WHY THE HELL DID I SAY NO TO THIS! I didn’t even get this guy’s name, or I probably would have sent a facebook message saying “Ok, Ok I give in, your plan sounds amazing!”

Remember the girl from the bar? I used a movie like line on her when she asked for my number. I’m still not sure why, I partly blame Steel Reserve but I told her the following…

“I don’t want to give you my number, because if you believe in fate, we will see each other again regardless if you have my number or not…” She was leaving for Korea in a few days to teach English, so it was pointless to give her my number, even though she was really gorgeous. I still hold out hope that she remembers me….

The one who got away…which one, I am still not sure…

Oh and F*ck Steel Reserve.

(edit: I still think that guy drugged me)