Skanks, Drugs and Guns

A few years ago, I was home on break from Indiana University. It was a Friday night and most of my friends were gone, married, or broke. Story of my life. It dawns on me, I haven't seen my good friend Jason Clark in awhile. I decide to call him up and see if he wants to head to Smiley's. Now, for those of you who do not know, Smiley's is trashy, reeks of smoke, filled with whores and generally the last place on earth I want to be. To make matters worse, I have been kicked out of this bar, as has Jason. Both for fighting (Jason managed to set a world record for most punches thrown in a 5 second span-I counted 15 i think).

We get to the bar and the booze starts flowing. We pretty much know everyone in the place so we are mildly entertained. The problem with this scene is I tend to actually get bored and antsy when I know too many people. I enjoy a change of scenery. By change of scenery, I mean girls. When I go to a bar I like to see new scenery, I could care less about scenery that I have already seen, or heard of. It's almost as entertaining as visiting the same art gallery twice. Once the devil's juice started to reach my brain and cause my judgment to be flawed, I decide to entertain myself. I walk over towards the dance floor and spot a girl I had never seen before. This girl was mildly attractive, especially for the Richmond scene. She also appeared to be skinny-which is rare, it's apparently a law that every female in Wayne County gain 50lbs upon high school graduation. She also possessed my kryptonite...dark, squinty eyes (bedroom eyes for the perv's out there). I begin to stare at her in the most non creepy way possible and it appears she notices. In fact, it went swimmingly well, she was staring and smiling at me! Within 5 minutes, this girl walks up to me with a big smile, leans in close to my ear and says "I noticed you were staring at me, I hope you like what you see." I nod my head yes like a third grader who was just asked if he wanted to play head's up seven up instead of going to P.E. We exchange numbers and she asks if I want to come party at her house. By this time, I realize Jason had already left and went over to his buddies house, who by some odd chance, lived very close to this girl. I pick up Jason and we head to this girls house.

Bad Idea. As soon as we walk in we are handed alcohol, rap music turns on and this girl is attempting to give lap dances like it's her job. Actually, stripping probably was her job come to think of it. About 5 minutes into this ordeal, a door in the hallway opens and an attractive girl walks out. Without introducing herself or asking our names, she hops on Jason and begins dancing. I begin laughing at the situation and out of nowhere I hear a noise coming from the kitchen behind us.

"GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMNED BASEMENT!!!!" yells one of the girls.

What? Is your rabid dog on the loose? Are you renting out your basement to an escaped convict? No, it was three children. Then, I see another door crack open in the hallway, it's another kid! Before you know it, Jason and I are being surrounded by children and the two girls are yelling at them to get back in their damn rooms. If you know me well, you can pretty much assume that I am not keeping a straight face at this point. I'm looking at Jason, laughing all the while being totally confused. Finally, they wrangle up these little heathens, slam the doors and resume the partying. Now, I felt terrible but at the same time how can one not laugh at the situation that just ensued.

Five minutes later, Jason's girl's phone rings and she tells us a friend is stopping by for a second. The door bell rings and in walks Randy. His name is not really Randy, but I’m changing his name because he's one of the biggest drug dealers in Richmond and I'd prefer him not to read this. He isn't a big guy, but he's been in and out of prison, fights a lot and is generally too stupid to obey the laws of society. He gives Jason and I the stare down and then has a seat in an empty chair. One of the girls walks to her room and then comes back out and hands him some money. At this point, Randy is staring me dead in the eye and puts his hand in his pocket. His hand appears and he has a few bags of weed. Law abiding Mike wanted to believe he brought us all some candy, but I knew better. He puts the weed on the ground and then puts his hand back in his pocket. Ok, I am eager this time, what kind of goodies does this guy have? Out comes the hand again and this time it’s a gun. Yes, a real gun. At this point, he is still staring at me and begins to move the barrel of the gun in my direction and says "you got a problem with any of this?" I begin to answer "HELLL...."

Now, what I was trying to say was "Hellllllll no man, do your thing..." However, I was interrupted by Jason, you know, the guy who wasn't being threatened. Jason is a very, very large man so of course he only had a problem with me. The next words out of Jason's mouth astonished me.

"I bet you don't know how to use that thing..."

WHAT? Jason, did you really just insult this man’s gun shooting abilities...while he is pointing it at me? Of all the possible heroic things that could be said at this moment "I bet you don't know how to use that thing" is probably the last thing that should have been said. Now, I understand Randy isn't exactly Rambo, but I feel like he's at least competent enough to shoot a man that is no more than 10 feet away!

Ever since that day, I have thanked the good lord (or whoever you want to believe in) that he created learning disabilities. Randy had the worst case of A.D.D I had ever seen. He looked at Jason, then me, then the TV, then the ceiling...ok you get the picture. Bottom line, Randy could not focus for more than 2 seconds and had already forgotten what Jason said. He took the girls money, put the gun away and headed out. TIME TO LEAVE! I stood up as fast as possible, waited for Randy's piece of shit car to rattle off into the distance and I left faster than a fat woman at an empty buffet.

This story has done two things for me...

1. It made me realize that Jason will in fact NOT take a bullet for me when faced with certain death.

2. Dark squinty eyes will someday be the death of me...quite literally.