Skanks, Drugs and Guns

A few years ago, I was home on break from Indiana University. It was a Friday night and most of my friends were gone, married, or broke. Story of my life. It dawns on me, I haven't seen my good friend Jason Clark in awhile. I decide to call him up and see if he wants to head to Smiley's. Now, for those of you who do not know, Smiley's is trashy, reeks of smoke, filled with whores and generally the last place on earth I want to be. To make matters worse, I have been kicked out of this bar, as has Jason. Both for fighting (Jason managed to set a world record for most punches thrown in a 5 second span-I counted 15 i think).

We get to the bar and the booze starts flowing. We pretty much know everyone in the place so we are mildly entertained. The problem with this scene is I tend to actually get bored and antsy when I know too many people. I enjoy a change of scenery. By change of scenery, I mean girls. When I go to a bar I like to see new scenery, I could care less about scenery that I have already seen, or heard of. It's almost as entertaining as visiting the same art gallery twice. Once the devil's juice started to reach my brain and cause my judgment to be flawed, I decide to entertain myself. I walk over towards the dance floor and spot a girl I had never seen before. This girl was mildly attractive, especially for the Richmond scene. She also appeared to be skinny-which is rare, it's apparently a law that every female in Wayne County gain 50lbs upon high school graduation. She also possessed my kryptonite...dark, squinty eyes (bedroom eyes for the perv's out there). I begin to stare at her in the most non creepy way possible and it appears she notices. In fact, it went swimmingly well, she was staring and smiling at me! Within 5 minutes, this girl walks up to me with a big smile, leans in close to my ear and says "I noticed you were staring at me, I hope you like what you see." I nod my head yes like a third grader who was just asked if he wanted to play head's up seven up instead of going to P.E. We exchange numbers and she asks if I want to come party at her house. By this time, I realize Jason had already left and went over to his buddies house, who by some odd chance, lived very close to this girl. I pick up Jason and we head to this girls house.

Bad Idea. As soon as we walk in we are handed alcohol, rap music turns on and this girl is attempting to give lap dances like it's her job. Actually, stripping probably was her job come to think of it. About 5 minutes into this ordeal, a door in the hallway opens and an attractive girl walks out. Without introducing herself or asking our names, she hops on Jason and begins dancing. I begin laughing at the situation and out of nowhere I hear a noise coming from the kitchen behind us.

"GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMNED BASEMENT!!!!" yells one of the girls.

What? Is your rabid dog on the loose? Are you renting out your basement to an escaped convict? No, it was three children. Then, I see another door crack open in the hallway, it's another kid! Before you know it, Jason and I are being surrounded by children and the two girls are yelling at them to get back in their damn rooms. If you know me well, you can pretty much assume that I am not keeping a straight face at this point. I'm looking at Jason, laughing all the while being totally confused. Finally, they wrangle up these little heathens, slam the doors and resume the partying. Now, I felt terrible but at the same time how can one not laugh at the situation that just ensued.

Five minutes later, Jason's girl's phone rings and she tells us a friend is stopping by for a second. The door bell rings and in walks Randy. His name is not really Randy, but I’m changing his name because he's one of the biggest drug dealers in Richmond and I'd prefer him not to read this. He isn't a big guy, but he's been in and out of prison, fights a lot and is generally too stupid to obey the laws of society. He gives Jason and I the stare down and then has a seat in an empty chair. One of the girls walks to her room and then comes back out and hands him some money. At this point, Randy is staring me dead in the eye and puts his hand in his pocket. His hand appears and he has a few bags of weed. Law abiding Mike wanted to believe he brought us all some candy, but I knew better. He puts the weed on the ground and then puts his hand back in his pocket. Ok, I am eager this time, what kind of goodies does this guy have? Out comes the hand again and this time it’s a gun. Yes, a real gun. At this point, he is still staring at me and begins to move the barrel of the gun in my direction and says "you got a problem with any of this?" I begin to answer "HELLL...."

Now, what I was trying to say was "Hellllllll no man, do your thing..." However, I was interrupted by Jason, you know, the guy who wasn't being threatened. Jason is a very, very large man so of course he only had a problem with me. The next words out of Jason's mouth astonished me.

"I bet you don't know how to use that thing..."

WHAT? Jason, did you really just insult this man’s gun shooting abilities...while he is pointing it at me? Of all the possible heroic things that could be said at this moment "I bet you don't know how to use that thing" is probably the last thing that should have been said. Now, I understand Randy isn't exactly Rambo, but I feel like he's at least competent enough to shoot a man that is no more than 10 feet away!

Ever since that day, I have thanked the good lord (or whoever you want to believe in) that he created learning disabilities. Randy had the worst case of A.D.D I had ever seen. He looked at Jason, then me, then the TV, then the ceiling...ok you get the picture. Bottom line, Randy could not focus for more than 2 seconds and had already forgotten what Jason said. He took the girls money, put the gun away and headed out. TIME TO LEAVE! I stood up as fast as possible, waited for Randy's piece of shit car to rattle off into the distance and I left faster than a fat woman at an empty buffet.

This story has done two things for me...

1. It made me realize that Jason will in fact NOT take a bullet for me when faced with certain death.

2. Dark squinty eyes will someday be the death of me...quite literally.

The one who got away...

This was the weirdest night of my life. There is no other explanation. This story is pretty legendary amongst my friends at IU.

The time is 2009, spring semester. I had just moved back to town. Most of my friends had moved away, except my good friend Deek. We “scum-bagged” on the weekends like it was our job. For the ill-informed, scum-bagging is when you go out with the intention of meeting the female gender. On this night, I kid you not it was probably negative five degrees out and windy. It was Miserable. A few weeks before this my friend Brandon told me about a sweet concoction called Steel Reserve. The alcohol content is amazing. So, I grab a six pack of 16oz cans and head to Deek’s apartment. I pound out about 5 out of the 6 and we head to the bars. It was a Monday I believe, so we hit up “Upstairs”, which is a fun little dive bar, equipped with female underwear hanging from every nook and cranny (literally). We head to the bar and hey, there is a cute blonde sitting alone. I decide in my drunken state that I am going to talk to her. She orders two drinks and the bartender sits them down, but she isn’t paying attention. So, I grab one of the drinks, look her in the eye and say “hey, you are cute so I bought you a drink!” She then looks and notices one of her drinks is missing and says “um, I just bought those…” To my amazement, she said it with a smile. She knew it was a terrible, pathetic line but she realized the comedic approach. We end up talking for a good half hour and Deek had already wandered off and was talking with some other people. We are deep in conversation, enjoying each other’s company when out of nowhere a male comes, whispers in her ear and stares at me. Who cares, right? About this time, I spot my dear friend Sharia who is also really drunk. She proceeds to tell me she can’t finish her drink. I can’t remember the name of it, but it’s a very popular drink on campus and it is basically death in a can. I drink it within 10 minutes.

At this point I notice Deek is missing, so I excuse myself from the bar. He is nowhere. At this point the girl walks over and tells me that the male who apparently had a problem with me, was her ex. Who cares when you are scum-bagging. I attempt to go outside and find Deek and as I open the door, it gets kicked back into my face. It’s her ex. I was pissed. I throw the door back open and walk outside to confront him…and his 2 friends. Things escalate quickly and before you know it I am fighting three guys. After it’s over, I realize I am unscathed but cannot find my keys. I freak out. This is where it gets shady…

At the bottom of the stairs, a very nice African American man asks if I am ok and need help. I tell him my issue and that I can’t find Deek. He replies “ohhh Deek, I am really good friends with him, do you need a ride?” Sure, of course! He then asks if he can buy me Taco Bell. Holy shit, this guy is great! So we head to Taco Bell, which is in the opposite direction of Deek’s apartment, but who cares I am starving. We order, and then he says “Hey, I live a block away, want to just eat there?” It’s Deek’s friend, so why not. We walk into his apartment and I can’t help but think “man, this is decorated like an 80 year old woman’s house.” Then, I notice this man is actually somewhat feminine and homosexual. I have no problem with homosexuality, so whatever I say. He asks if I want a coke, goes into the kitchen and brings me an opened coke. I got a ride, Taco Bell and this guy opens my coke! Is this man a saint? Within 10 minutes of taking my first drink, everything starts spinning and I am insanely inebriated. He then asks me if I like porn. What the hell, but I say “what guy doesn’t?” Before you know it he is turning on pornography and it is a black man and a white girl. He then says “how do you feel about black on white sex?” Ok, now I am creeped out and getting angry. Unfortunately for me, I am about 5 miles from my apartment and it’s a blizzard out. This fella is straight up hitting on me now and I can’t help but want to punch him. I decide to just fall asleep and pray for the best.

Finally, I wake up around 9 in the morning and he’s in the kitchen cooking eggs, in his underwear. I yell “dude, can you get dressed, please?” He does, thank god. At this time I can’t help but think “I guess I have to tell my friends now that I officially went home with a gay man after a night or drinking.” I laugh to myself, still creeped out and ask him to take me home. He agrees and we hop in the car. Away we go, finally. For some reason, I think it was my haircut; he keeps referring to me as Marine. He is desperate at this point and even asks me if I would be willing to live by the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that the military has. He then tells me he’s turned two Navy guys gay (sorry Navy readers). Then, he drops the bomb. This bomb actually made me question everything in life.

He tells me he is about to graduate with his PHD in higher education administration (something like that). He’s about to take a big position with the University of Oklahoma. He tells me he’s going to be a very wealthy man and says the following: “Look Marine,If you would be willing to be my boyfriend and move to Oklahoma with me, I will make sure you never have to work another day in your life, you will have anything you want and we never have to have sex. And, you can even have girlfriends…” At the time, I said no thank you as we pulled up, said thank you for the ride and parted ways.

I’m not gay in any way, I love women. But about two hours later, after I told Deek and he informed me he did not know this man in any way, I began to think. Wait, NEVER work again in my life? NEVER have sex with you? I can even have girlfriends and spend your money to take them out? WHY THE HELL DID I SAY NO TO THIS! I didn’t even get this guy’s name, or I probably would have sent a facebook message saying “Ok, Ok I give in, your plan sounds amazing!”

Remember the girl from the bar? I used a movie like line on her when she asked for my number. I’m still not sure why, I partly blame Steel Reserve but I told her the following…

“I don’t want to give you my number, because if you believe in fate, we will see each other again regardless if you have my number or not…” She was leaving for Korea in a few days to teach English, so it was pointless to give her my number, even though she was really gorgeous. I still hold out hope that she remembers me….

The one who got away…which one, I am still not sure…

Oh and F*ck Steel Reserve.

(edit: I still think that guy drugged me)

Wild West School Street

Let's paint the picture first of West School Street...

Location: Centerville, Indiana...September 2010
Description: On the far west side of Centerville. Approximate average age is about 77. About the most quiet block in America. During "rush hour" about 3 cars drive past my house. At night you can hear a mouse burp from 100 yards away. I've been living on this block since I was 8 and cannot remember a single crime happening.

On a typical non work night around 1am, you can't find me sitting on the couch either watching television or surfing the net. It was a really warm, breezy night so I left the front door semi open. This is rare. Out of nowhere I hear commotion outside. I think nothing of it and keep reading. Again, I hear commotion. I get off the couch and peer outside and I see a woman standing in the middle of the street, walking away from my house with a phone in her hand. This is very strange but I forget about it and sit back down. About 5 minutes go by before I hear "HEY!" I look out the front door and sure enough this mystery person is staring through my door yelling for me!

As I walk out to the street, I notice it is the woman down the street. This woman is about 50 years old, has worn a probation ankle bracelet for about 10 years now and lives with her elderly parents. She proceeds to tell me she caught people attempting to steal gas from my truck. This is the exact conversation that ensued...

Woman: They were trying to steal your gas, I saw them with my own eyes!!! Don't worry baby, I called the law and they are lookin' for em!
Me: Which way did they go? I'll go look too!
Woman: (points East)
Me: Ok thanks I’ll be back!
Woman: (walking away shaking her finger in the air) I SEE EVVVVERYTHING BABY, EVVERYYTHING, this woman’s always up!!

At this point, I am pissed! There had been some young kids going around stealing stuff from sheds, so I had good reason to believe her. I then go and wake my mother up, tell her whats going on and of course my mother wants to ride with (if you knew my mother, you'd understand). As we drive past the woman’s house she points in the direction they supposedly ran and away we go. Nothing. Pure nothingness. So we circle around the block and come back to her house. In the mean time, we couldn't help but wonder if she realized she ran about 50 yards away from her house (remember the ankle bracelet?). At this point, as we pull up, she was still outside and was watering her front porch with a garden hose. Never mind that it is 1am, she also has no plants. Her mother begins yelling from a window "Get in the damn house Cindy!!!" She then runs out to our truck and begins pointing to the top of this very large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard yelling "there they are!" Um, maam, what? I mean, we looked, but basically out of pure curiosity. I respond "um, maam, there is no one in that tree..." She responds "are you f*cking blind? They are all right there!" She then points down the block and begins telling us that the cops are apprehending the suspects and that "at least 20" of them are hiding in the lawn and the stupid cops can't see them. We looked into said yard and we actually did see something. I turn my truck lights to this object and...It’s a flower pot.

This is when my Mom and I burst out laughing, say goodnight and head home. My Mom says "don't tell Dad about this" and I agree. This woman was obviously on something that night. About a month later we see our police officer friend and my Mom asks him about the woman. Turns out, she actually did "call the law" that night. When the officer arrived, she began yelling at the officer proclaiming that the thief was literally standing right next to him and he needs to open his damn eyes. Turns out, this woman’s sister is (was...she actually just died last week) crazy too. Apparently she calls the police about 4 days a week because of severe paranoia. She had at least 10 locks on her door because she believed that her "pervert neighbor" was infiltrating her house through the pipes and played soft Christmas music through her chimney, just to annoy her.

Readers, I hope you have learned two things from this little story.

1) Drugs are bad
2) Drugs are bad

The first post!

I've been contemplating starting this blog for a few months now. Why, you might ask? Motivation, boredom and to let all of you see exactly how ridiculous my life can be. I don't know how many times i've had someone come up to me and tell me that my Facebook status updates are a great source of entertainment. My best friend Tommy (sometimes i'll refer to him as Tequilla Tommy, you'll see why) and I were chatting at my work one night amongst some friends, telling our stories and it dawned on us- this shit doesn't happen to anyone else! Not only does it happen to us, it also happens very frequently!

As most of you know, I FINALLY graduated from Indiana University in August. I had one dream in life and that was to graduate from a major university. I did it, fantastic! Now what? I made a promise to myself that I do not care how much money I ever make, but I want to live a life that is worth reading about. If I can do that, everything else will fall in place and at the very least, i'll have a few drunken stories to tell my grandchildren. Part of my promise was to experience as much of the world as I possibly can. Traveling is my passion. I visited 19 different states in 2009 and 2010 was pretty close to that! Following my dreams and living my life to the fullest are two reasons why I consider myself to be one of the happiest people I know (I can honestly say I haven't shed a tear since 2005).

Now that I have that out of the way, let me say a few more things about this blog. This blog will not be political in any way and for the most part it will be my means to share the craziness that follows me around! I also will not be censoring any of it. Who likes censors anyways, besides television? As most of you know, I've never been one to really care what anyone knows about me, I'm pretty much censorless in real life. Sorry to all of the friends I have probably lost due to my big mouth! And ex-girlfriends, sorry ladies! I realize I can come off as an asshole, so if you are weak minded and get offended easily, you probably should hit the X button now.

In an attempt to make this as entertaining as possible, hopefully I can start adding video footage and guest bloggers to prove some of this. I refuse to be another Tucker Maxx and fabricate/manipulate stories just to lure readers. Tucker, if you read this, I do not like you (i've wanted to say that for years). However, since we are both self proclaimed assholes, i'd be willing to work with you here and there to entertain the blogging world one beer at a time.

Myself, Tommy, my brother Doug and his buddy Tyler are heading to Vegas for New Years. This will mark the second year in a row i've went. Doug and Tyler went a few months later. It is ridiculous on NYE, it makes New York look like childs play. So, now that all four of us have lost our Vegas virginity, this years roadrip will probably provide the first of many NEW stories to share. Between now and then I may share an old story or two as well as share what our plans for this years trip are. The reason? I want your input. If you have a crazy idea, lets hear it and we will attempt to document it! Want us to drink a beer in the nude at the Grand Canyon? Pictures will follow (i'll censor that, you'll thank me later). Throw some ideas out and we'll do our best!

Until next time (all two of you)...

Mike